My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Thursday Thought.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.