I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
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*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
man: wait
time: no
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Just why bro?!
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”