Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
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How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Bill is short for Billiam
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..