Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
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I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”