Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
You Might Also Like
welp
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Unexpected Judgment
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks