It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
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“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
adding to the discourse
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
*checks Timeline*…
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.