cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
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Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.