INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
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“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean