Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
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me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes