I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
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what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
omg leave her alone
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody