Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
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I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
that’s really how it is
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.