My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
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According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
CRYING
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Aight bet
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*