[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
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My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
it’s the silliest best thing
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
just pretend nothing happened
Kermit goes Blue.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong