I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
My work here is done
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”