before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”