Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.