Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Sing it!
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Denise please return my vape pen
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.