Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
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Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”