VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
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ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.