*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
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Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.