5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
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husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.