5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
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Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.