I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
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My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.