Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
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A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.