National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
You Might Also Like
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.