My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
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Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.