Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
You Might Also Like
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
it鈥檚 crazy you can鈥檛 just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there鈥檚 no other way
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I’m putting together a team
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone鈥檚 about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I read today that there are people who don鈥檛 have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Husband: Don鈥檛 tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 馃檨
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I鈥橵E BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
j o i m p
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I鈥檓 tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 馃槧