inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
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Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”