Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
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*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup