If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
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No point crayon over spilled milk.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.