there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
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Smile Twitter, Smile.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Happy thanksgiving
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”