ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
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Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**