“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
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idk what he going thru but i feel him
they should invent a hydrating liquor
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
hi why am I like this
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.