I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
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I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard