Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
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Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.