[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
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BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
A fake ID that makes you younger
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.