MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
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Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”