😆this is so true
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[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Single and childfree like Jesus
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Breaking news:
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.