If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Hot Hot Hot
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Best misinterpreted text ever!
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??