“You drive, I’m tired.”
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At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell