I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
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[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
*frowns in Scottish*
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.