People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
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Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Is this you?
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
BaD BoY!!
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?