bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
You Might Also Like
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
2023 was just a warmup
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”