Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
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*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.