My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
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~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
first you must answer his riddles
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”