[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
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peeping toms
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
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*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.