#FunnyLife Insects
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What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Taking phone security to the next level.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks