I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Autocarrot sucks!
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Every BBC series about the universe.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.