[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
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God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*