I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
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wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs